The Ambien made me do it

I have followed with affable curiosity the plight of Mr. Derek Stansberry, the Hillsborough County lad who grounded an entire plane full of folks earlier this week after he claimed he had a bunch of explosives.
And I say “plight” because Mr. Stansberry, predictably, has dodged responsibility and blamed his freakish behavior on an outside influence: Ambien.
Ah, Ambien. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the sedative/hypnotic, let me explain. It’s what most of the free world is taking right now for sleep. Imagine the effects of a really good tequila bender (with none of the vomiting), the euphoria that comes from an unbelievable orgasm, and the feeling of driving a finely made German sports car up the Autobahn at 180 kph.
Now grind all that into a pill. That’s Ambien. Those of us that take it religiously (yes, I’m one of them), are fiercely loyal to its zombie-like coma. Eight hours of pure, uninterrupted blissful sleep. Especially if you take the CR.
Unless, of course, that sleep is fractured by the announcement that you have big boom-booms in your laptop and your shoes.
Poor Mr. Stansberry. It wasn’t his fault, really; it was the Ambien, you see. The Evil Ambien strikes again. It’s the same thing that made Rep. Patrick Kennedy go for a 2006 joyride through D.C. police barricades and nearly skewer a Capitol cop or two on his antenna.
Since then, people all over have used the crafty Ambien Defense instead of taking responsibility for their ludicrous behavior. The Ambien made them do it. It’s created a large headache for the already-crippled justice system.
I’ll advocate the P.M.S. Defense. I’ll beat the drum for the Crime of Passion Defense. These are plausible. But the Ambien Defense? Come on, guys.
Admittedly, I’ve done some crazy things on Ambien. Like eat an entire jar of peanut butter, send questionable text messages to my boss and order things online that show up days later (think $5,000 purses).
But threaten a plane full of people with imaginary explosives? From a pill? Really?
Hope Mr. Stansberry has an equally creative lawyer. Because I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but there is no Ambien in the federal clink.
Gonna be some long nights for him.

Advertisement